:: Rose of Suthep Tips For Driving in Thailand ::

Tips For Driving in Thailand

James wrote some thoughts here that amuse us. Please do not be offended, James loves Thailand and its people and this is written purely for entertainment. <--- Ozzi --->

This began as serious advice for a visiting friend, somehow it became satire.<--- James --->

EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED!!!
a) That motorcycle on the left IS going to turn right... the rider will not indicate and will only look AFTER starting the turn...
b) Around the next blind bend IS a semi-trailer overtaking on your side of the road...
c) Or maybe that driver is just cutting the corner because that's just how it's done here...
To confuse Thai drivers, try using your indicators.

Indicators are to be viewed with scepticism, the driver / rider may be indicating which way s/he is going to turn, which side you should overtake on, which direction s/he came from or maybe they're on by accident and s/he just doesn't know how to cancel them.
A Thai driver's licence requires a medical certificate; one of the tests is for basic colour blindness, presumably so you'll know what to do at traffic lights. E.g.
a) Green = go
b) Yellow = go
c) Red = tailgate the car in front and... go

An alternative interpretation of signal colours from a Thai friend.

a) Green = fast
b) Yellow = faster
c) Red = fastest
To annoy Thai drivers, stop at red lights and stop signs.
Thais drive on the left of the road... Mostly...
"Lane" is water falling from the sky. The lines on the road are purely for decoration and can be ignored...

There exists a mysterious area to the left of the main flow of traffic where road rules, common sense and the laws of space-time appear to be absent. In this area you may travel as fast or as slow as you wish, in whatever direction you wish, or just stop and talk on your mobile phone.
The braking distance for vehicles travelling at 10kph is two metres and the braking distance for vehicles travelling at 100kph is also two metres.
Speeding is an offence in Thailand, but just what speed should you be doing? There are few (if any) signs, so pick a random number and double it... or quarter it... it depends how you feel at the time...
Driving Under the Influence (Drink Driving) is also an offence, but the Thais have a unique way of circumventing detection... everyone drives as if they are drunk, weaving, swerving, stopping for no apparent reason etc... so that the police don't notice who is really drunk...
The only requirement for riding a motorcycle seems to be a literacy test, if you can write a suicide note, you're allowed to ride.
Popular motorcycles in Thailand are electric start 110cc four-stroke automatics, they need to be automatic or at least have an automatic clutch so the drunken 14 year old can talk or her mobile phone while weaving through traffic with her two friends (sitting side-saddle) and a scared little dog on the back.
When riding a motorcycle in the rain (or hot sunshine) many riders employ an umbrella for protection... if your mobile phone rings at the same time, have your passenger hold the umbrella for you.
Motorcycles are used for everything. Often fitted with an outrigger (An entire fast food store can be attached to the side of a motorcycle) and/or a trailer (a 2 wheeled cart drawn via the rider or passenger sitting on the handle). These machines have a carrying capacity limited only by the imagination. You may even see a family of four aboard a single motorcycle, and it's likely piloted by the 9year-old sitting on her mother's lap.
APPROACH MOTORCYCLES WITH CAUTION... (see points 1- 3, 5, 7, 8, 10, 11, Etc...)
When approaching an intersection it's important to be sure of who has right-of-way, there seem to be differing schools of thought, but generally it's the largest vehicle, although the most expensive vehicle is often given preference, however, the most widely accepted rule is that the driver with the largest “balls” takes right-of-way...

Avoiding accidents, when a situation presents itself;
a) Sound your horn and/or flash your lights
b) Sound your horn and/or flash your lights
c) Swerve
d) Accelerate
e) Pray
f) Sound your horn and/or flash your lights
g) Trust that luck (or Buddha) will resolve the situation before it affects you
h) As a last resort, if all of the above fail and you have absolutely no other choice you might try that 'other' pedal on the floor... the one to the left of the accelerator.
Road signs in Thailand follow international convention, being in both Thai and English... mostly... also recognised in Thailand is the universal international single digit salute...
Please use courtesy when parking... leave your car in neutral with the handbrake off so that the driver of the car you double parked over can push your car away to get out...
The Glacier Technique:
Situation: you're in a side street trying to turn into a major road and the flow of traffic is endless... you can't get a break...
Solution: edge forward an inch at a time, eventually the cars will have to curve a little get around you, keep edging forward, eventually a car will stop, because the driver has no choice.... After that, you may go... this also works for changing lanes and merging. (Btw; nobody will blast their horn or even give you a dirty look as you do this as it is considered normal... but you WILL get blasted from behind if you don't do it).
Taxis are cheap and plentiful, the driver may even speak English.
Important! While riding in a taxi be sure to look at your hands, your feet, the floor... or anything except the road ahead... it's just better if you don't know (see point 14, 15, ...).
Safety belts are required for the driver and front seat passenger, but not for the rear seat passengers, probably because the rear seat passengers bodies are likely to still be there after an accident, whereas the bodies of the occupants of the front seats are likely to be much harder to find... safety belts save the ambulance bearers time...

Part II: Tips for Driving in Bangkok

DON'T!

Alternative, less tongue-in-cheek, advice can be found at