Before moving to Thailand I owned a computer supply and repair company, I informed my clients that my staff and I would be available to help them at any hour. Whoever was 'on call' took the support phone to bed with them. Most, but not all of these stories are my own.

At 02:23 on a Sunday morning, the phone rang, I looked at the clock to determine what annoyance level would be appropriate, the call was from a new Apple Macintosh user, I delivered the machine the previous evening. She had gotten her entire family out of the house and was calling from her neighbour's. She had just received her first system error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning that the computer was going to blow up.

Tech Support: "Mercury at Dawn, James speaking"
Despite obviously coming from an English speaking background, and otherwise being quite articulate, the caller describes his problem in vague terms, and half sentences. I kind of get the idea that there's something wrong with the display...
I think...
Tech Support: "Ok, first I need you to right-click on the Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Now click properties"
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: (WTF?) "Ok, sir. Can you tell me exactly what you've done up to this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." (At this point I suddenly realised that I had heard him typing, I had to put the call on hold to try to control my mirth, and tell the rest of the crew... I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call, on speaker-phone.)
Tech Support: "I see, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
Customer: "I've done something dumb, haven't I?"

Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Office."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done so far."
Customer: "Just like you told me, I put the disc in and I typed 'A:\SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ok, remove the disc and tell me what's written on it."
Customer: "It says 'Mercury@Dawn Restore and Recovery disc'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Office setup disc."
Customer: [pause] "What?"
Tech Support: "Sir, did you buy Microsoft Office?"
Customer "No..."

Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a fairly old computer, I'm still using DOS, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: "Ok, lets check the directory of the A: drive, type 'dir'."
Customer reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'.
Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL' again."
Customer: "Ok." (clickity clack) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place, it must do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the Enter key?"
Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (clickity clack) "Nope, still 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"
Customer (angrily): "OF COURSE I AM! Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the 'M' key...does that matter?

Years ago while still new to the computer industry I recieved a call from a client with a problem I just couldn't solve, a printer that couldn't print yellow.
All the other colors would print fine,which truly baffled me because the only true colours are cyan, magenta, and yellow.
For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow.
I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was told the customer to send the printer in to us for repair, a day later it arrived.... loaded with yellow paper...

At one client's company they had asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name, specifications, everything, just by scanning the computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.
Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."
Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so I can open an 'outage-ticket'."
Customer: "What's that?"
Tech Support: "That sticker on the front of your computer, with a barcode and the words 'Asset Number'."
Customer: "Ok... fat bar, skinny bar, fat bar, fat bar . . ."

Customer: "I got this problem. You sent me this install disc, and now my floppy drive doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Your floppy drive doesn't work?"
Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disc, it got stuck in my drive, now it doesn't work at all."
Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?"
Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disc got stuck in the drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That didn't work either."
Tech Support: "You did what sir?"
Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disc out, but it wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic a bit."
Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?"
Customer: "No, so then I got a bit of butter and melted it and used a syringe to put the butter in the drive, around the disc, that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. But now the drive doesn't read any of my discs... I can't believe it! Why would you send me a defective disc?"
Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your floppy drive and used pliers to pull the disc out?" At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and gestured for the other techs to listen in.
Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?"
Customer: (sighing) "I SAID! I had to put melted butter in my floppy drive, then use pliers to pull your crappy disc out."
Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when the disc was in the drive, you know, the thing called the EJECT BUTTON?"...Silence.
Tech Support: "Sir?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Sir, did you try the eject button?"
Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer! or am I going to sue you for breaking it?"
Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because you broke the floppy drive, didn't follow the instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't even consult the user's manual, instead proceeding to pour melted butter into the drive and physically rip the disc out with pliers?"
Customer: "Ummmm."
Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record every call and have it on tape?"
Customer: (now rather humbled, and whiney) "But you're supposed to help!"
Tech Support: "Certainly sir, but physical abuse is not covered by the warrantee."

Some people just shouldn't be allowed to have a computer...

Many years ago I worked for an Apple Macintosh support company, a few hours after sending another happy customer home with her repaired monitor she phoned back to say it wasn't working, in fact it was now completely dead... even worse than when she bought it to us.
Customer: (in tears) "How could you make it worse than it was?"
Technician: "I personally repaired and tested that monitor, and the service manager inspected it afterwards, it was working perfectly before you collected it." (I was still on probation at the time, and all my work was inspected my the service manager, and I still had a bit to learn about tact...)
Customer: "what do you mean before I collected it?"
Technician: "My apologies... I simply meant that it was working fine here... what did you do when you got home with it?"
Customer: "I connected it to my CPU." she means her system unit... "the box"
Technician: "...and the power of course..."
Customer: "what do you mean?"
Technician: "you connected the monitor to power as well of course?"
after a 20 minute conversation during which 'power outlet' becomes known as 'earth' and 'power cable' becomes known as 'kettle plug' we ascertain that her 'CPU' has a 'kettle plug' going to 'earth' but her monitor does not
Customer: "listen to me, I am blonde and I do not like blonde jokes"

Technician: "...what? I didn't... huh?"

ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

P.S. My mother and sister are both blonde and both highly intelligent.

(Sometimes we got calls for support from people who didn't even buy their computer from us)
Technician: "Mercury@Dawn, James speaking"
Customer: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word."
Technician: "What sort of trouble?"
Customer: "Well, I was just typing away, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Technician: "Went away?"
Customer: "They disappeared."
Technician: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Customer: "Nothing."
Technician: "Nothing?"
Customer: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Technician: "Are you still in Word, or did you get out?"
Customer: "How do I tell?"
Technician: [Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Technician: [Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] "Never mind, Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
Customer: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Technician: [Ah-at least she knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if she's kicked out her monitor's power plug.] "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
Customer: "What's a monitor?"
Technician: "It's the thing that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
Customer: "I don't know."
Technician: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
Customer: [sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] "Yes, I think so."
Technician: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
Customer: [pause] "Yes, it is."
Technician: [Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt she would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor she has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
Customer: "No."
Technician: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Customer: [muffled] "Okay, here it is."
Technician: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Customer: [still muffled] "I can't reach."
Technician: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
Customer: [clear again] "No."
Technician: "Even if you maybe put your knee on the desk or something and lean way over?"
Customer: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark."
Technician: "Dark?"
Customer: "Yes, the office lights are off, and the only light I have is coming from the window."
Technician: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Customer: "I can't."
Technician: "No? Why not?"
Customer: "Because there's a power blackout."
Technician: "A power....!?!" ...[AAAAAAARGH!].....

There's something about being in the general vicinity of a computer that seems to reduce the average user's IQ by at least 50% I don't understand this phenomenon, but it is clearly observable.

Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC."
Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?"
Customer: "I can't open the box."
Tech Support: "Ummm, have you cut the tape holding the box closed?"
Customer: "Uhhhh... ok, thanks...."

Tech Support: "Ok, in the lower right-hand hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

One woman called to ask how to install the batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid your company $2,000 for this damn thing, why should I have to read the damn book?"

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "What happened when you installed the update?"
Customer: "No. You just said you were sending it, you didn't tell me anything about installing it..."

silly me...