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It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now," said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact," said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"
SHOES
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "Ha ha, very funny, You've been playing golf!"
BABY LOVE
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to behold the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"
SCHWARTZ
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's scaling. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!?!?"
THE STATUE
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner. Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much; I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
THE BUSINESS
A man walks into a club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly Sir," Replies the barman, "but that comes to real money." "How much?" inquires the man. "4 cents," the bartender replied. "Four Cents?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."
DYING FOR A ....
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," She said. "Rest, don't talk." But he was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess. "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!" "I know my sweet one" whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."
THE BOX
John and Jodie had been happily married for 35 years. On their wedding night, John had produced a small box, and said to Jodie "you must never look inside this box... that's very important!" Jodie had agreed, and promised never to look inside the box. With that, John had placed the box under his side of the marital bed. But, on the eve of their 35th anniversary, curiosity got The better of Jodie and she broke her promise... That night at their celebration dinner Jodie's guilt (and curiosity) drove her to confess. "John," she said "these 35 years I've kept my word, and never looked inside your box, but this morning I accidentally knocked it over, while cleaning" John was annoyed and suspected that there was no 'accident', but, being a Loving and tolerant husband said that it was ok. Jodie continued "but I'm confused, all I found inside was 2 empty beer cans and $15,000... What's the box about, dear?" John was thoughtful for a moment, and then replied "I too have a confession... whenever I cheated on you I placed an empty beer can in the box, to remind me of my wrong and to never do it again," Jodie thought 'only twice in 35 years, it's not so bad' she said, "Well if you can forgive me I guess I can forgive you too". "But I'm still curious, what's the pile of money for?" John said, "well, every time the box was full I took it to the recycling centre and cashed in the cans."
SISTER-IN-LAW
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, we decided to get married. But there was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was 18, wore very tight miniskirts, and was generally bra-less. She would regularly bend over when she was near me, and I always got a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when anyone else was near. One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
OMG... IT'S THE POLICE!!!
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He looks in his rear view mirror and notices a police car with its lights flashing. He thinks, "I can outrun this guy", so he floors it. The cars are racing down the highway -- 100, 120, 150, 190 Kph. Finally, as his speedometer passes 200, the guy realizes he can't outrun the cop so he gives up and pulls over. The officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man thought for a moment and said "Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"
POTENTIAL REALITY
A young boy comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "Let's make a demonstration out of this. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but... yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and shouts, "Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we're living with a couple of whores."
A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The copper said, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"
Two old ladies in their eighties were peeking into a hole in their apartment wall; watching a young couple working up a real sweat. One of ladies says, "My how they remind me of those hot and naughty nights we used to make nookie." the other asked "What was your husband like?" "Oh, he was a real pain in the ass!"
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is feeling weak and exhausted. The doctor asks her "Are you having 3 meals a day as I advised?" The woman replies "yes doctor, 3 males a day, just as you said in your note."
A woman 'phones her doctor, and says "I'm not sure about the hormones you've prescribed for me." the doctor replies "don't worry about the deep voice, remember I warned you about that? It'll go away." the woman says "yes, yes, of course I remember that... it's the body hair that surprises me." "hmmmm..." says the doctor "describe it to me." "well," growled the woman "it goes from nipple to nipple and all the way down to my balls."
A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest penises and Greek men are the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" he says
"Tonto Papadopoulos, nice to meet you."
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "You don't have a dentist appointment tomorrow too, do you?"
