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Articles
Humour
Mostly my own experiences, thoughts, imaginings, whatever... to be honest though, some may not be entirely original, they've been rattling around in my brain for so long I can't remember which are mine and which are not.
If you know who deserves credit, please let me know.
"FRESH JOKES DAILY VIA RSS FEED!"
Substitute Teacher And The Locker
Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker. I heard him mutter, "How did you get yourself into this?"
Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support. "Are you okay?" I asked. "Can I help?"
He lifted his head and replied, "I'll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker."
Short Jokes
Posted on 27 February 2010 | 1:59 pm
Microsoft and The Helicopter
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said, "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position in Seattle.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
Joke Of The Day
Posted on 23 February 2010 | 12:07 pm
Divorce Joke
DURING A MESSY DIVORCE
A couple in the middle of a messy divorce case find themselves in court battling over custody of little Johnny, their only child. In order to make a fair decision over the boys future, the Judge takes Johnny into his private chambers so that he can find out which of the parents the boy would prefer to live with. "Well, Johnny" says the Judge, "Would you like to live with your Mother?"
"No" replied Johnny, "she hits me all the time."
"Well then," the Judge continues, "Would you like to live with your Father?"
"No" replied Johnny again, "He hits me all the time too!"
The Judge looks exasperated and says to the boy "Well Johnny, who would you like to live with?"
"I'd like to live with the Atlanta Falcons," the boy replied quickly.
"Why on earth would you want to live with the Atlanta Falcons?" replied the now extremely puzzled Judge.
"Well," replied Johnny, "They never beat anyone!"
Good Jokes
Posted on 20 February 2010 | 3:10 am
Sports Joke
Brought to you by the Joke Genie
AN OLD HOCKEY INJURY
Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened. Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."
Josh said, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."
Andy responded, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the television."
Posted on 18 February 2010 | 2:07 pm
* Warning: Blonde Joke - Blondes Please Cover Your Ears!
Blonde Does Well In Grammar School.
A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other
Kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
She yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids
could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
She yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the
Other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank
Top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."
Hilarious Jokes
P.S. Blondes, you can no uncover your ears.
Posted on 15 February 2010 | 2:04 am
Wedding Humor
DURING THE WEDDING REHEARSAL
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to "love, honor and obey and forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever," I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out."
He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, "I thought we had a deal." The vicar put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
Funny Jokes
Posted on 11 February 2010 | 2:02 pm
Traditional Or Contemporary Wedding?
TRADITIONAL OR CONTEMPORARY?
A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary.
On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry. When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting. "Pull down your pants," whispered the pastor.
"Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service."
Funny Joke
Posted on 8 February 2010 | 6:17 am
GETTING USED TO IT (Marriage Joke)
You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.
He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"
Short Joke
Posted on 4 February 2010 | 4:49 am
Bank Joke
While waiting in line at the bank, I developed an embarrassing case of hiccups. While near the teller’s window, the hiccups seemed to get worse.
The teller took my cheque and proceeded to run a computer verification of the account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash it.
Shocked as it was end month and I was sure my employer had banked my salary, I asked “Why not?” “I’m sorry, sir,” she replied, “but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact,” she continued, “our records show your account is overdrawn in excess of 50000.”
“It can’t be!” I cried. “You have to be kidding!”
“Yes, I am,” she answered with a smile, counting out his cash.
“But, you will notice that your hiccups are gone.”
Comedy
Posted on 1 February 2010 | 10:14 am
Helping The Solider With Dessert?
The first soldier says; First soldier: "Pass me the Christmas Pudding, would you?" Second soldier: "Sorry, No!" First soldier: "Why not?" Second soldier: "It's against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!"
Jokes
Posted on 28 January 2010 | 2:05 pm
A high-school student came home from school...
A high-school student came home from school seeming rather depressed.
"What's the matter, son," asked his mother.
"Aw, gee," said the boy, "It's my grades. They're all wet."
"What do you mean `all wet?'"
"I mean," he replied, "below C-level."
Jokes
Posted on 24 January 2010 | 2:01 pm
Humor: Mealtime During A Flight
Hilarious Jokes
It was mealtime during a flight.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Joe, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" Joe asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
Posted on 22 January 2010 | 6:38 am
Double Negative - College Joke
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In
English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some
languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a
negative. However, there is no language wherein a double
positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Comedy
Posted on 18 January 2010 | 2:10 pm
A professor was giving a big test...
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students.
He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk
to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed
the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the
students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note
saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor
handed the tests back out. This student got back his test
and $64 change.
Jokes
Posted on 14 January 2010 | 11:58 am
Mrs. Treemont: Does your husband give you massages anymore?
Mrs. Treemont: Does your husband give you massages anymore?
Mrs. Tisdale: Well he hadn’t given me one in years, but the other night we were sitting on the couch and he started rubbing my neck, then my arms, then my back, then my legs, and then my feet.
Mrs. Treemont: That must have felt great!
Mrs. Tisdale: It sure did, but once he found the remote he stopped.
Comedy
Posted on 9 January 2010 | 1:38 pm
Write It Down and Ye Will Receive
For a while my husband and I had opposite schedules. He
worked during the day, and I worked at night. One morning
I noticed he had left a not to himself on the kitchen
counter that read, "STAMPS!"
As a helpful surprise, I bought him some at the post office
and put them on the counter before going to work...
The next morning I found the same note. The word "STAMPS!"
was crossed out. Underneath it he had written, "ONE MILLION
DOLLARS!"
Jokes
Posted on 8 January 2010 | 1:55 pm
Today's Short Joke
Posted on 3 January 2010 | 11:23 am
Can Money Buy Happiness?
"Money can't buy you happiness but it will buy you a yacht big enough to pull up alongside it."
- David Lee Roth
Posted on 1 January 2010 | 8:09 am
Boss Dies Joke (Job Joke)
"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."
The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss.
By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY
TOLD YOU TWICE BEFORE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS,
DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
He replied, "I'm sorry, I don't mean any disrespect, but I just love hearing it..."
Posted on 18 December 2009 | 4:13 pm
House Joke?
House Joke?
Little Billy: I'll bet you ten cents that I can jump higher than your house.
Little Willie: That's impossible! I'll take your bet.
Little Willie watches Little Billy jump one foot off the ground. He bursts out laughing and puts out his hand, expecting Little Billy to give him the money.
Little Billy: Okay, now it's your house's turn.
Posted on 13 December 2009 | 11:13 am
Yo Mama Is So Old Joke
Posted on 6 December 2009 | 4:39 am
Marriage Joke
around with a fly swatter.
Posted on 28 November 2009 | 4:20 am
Marriage Joke
Posted on 20 November 2009 | 2:19 am
Lawyer Joke
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher.
Joke Genie
Posted on 16 November 2009 | 10:58 am
Animal Joke
Posted on 8 November 2009 | 11:35 am
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