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Articles
Humour
Mostly my own experiences, thoughts, imaginings, whatever... to be honest though, some may not be entirely original, they've been rattling around in my brain for so long I can't remember which are mine and which are not.
If you know who deserves credit, please let me know.
"FRESH JOKES DAILY VIA RSS FEED!"
Shot In The What?
Short Jokes
Friend: You were not shot in the fracas?
Victim: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
Posted on 29 July 2010 | 5:53 am
Taxation Without Representation
Frankly, I could not f**king believe I was not allowed to vote. Three and a half years I've lived here! I work hard -- relatively speaking for someone who does this for a living. I pay my taxes. I try to fit in. I've learnt your rudimentary language. I don't know what more you could reasonably expect me to do. And that's when it hit me. I know why I'm so angry. I know what this is -- taxation without representation. Now I get it. Now I see why you got so pissy about it all those years ago. It is annoying. You were right. It is annoying and consider that as close to an apology as you are ever going to get.
Posted on 27 July 2010 | 11:35 am
Marriage Humor
You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.
He responded, "Sure. YOU carry the suitcases!"
Short Jokes
Posted on 26 July 2010 | 3:01 am
Marriage Joke - What Is The Biggest Cause Of Divorce?
Short Jokes
What Is The Biggest Cause Of Divorce?
Marriage.
Posted on 23 July 2010 | 5:49 am
Any good jokes?
Posted on 22 July 2010 | 5:49 am
Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
Short Jokes
Question: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
Answer: So brunettes can remember them.
Posted on 21 July 2010 | 3:47 am
Hiccups
While waiting in line at the bank, I developed an embarrassing case of hiccups. While near the teller’s window, the hiccups seemed to get worse.
The teller took my cheque and proceeded to run a computer verification of the account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash it.
Shocked as it was end month and I was sure my employer had banked my salary, I asked “Why not?” “I’m sorry, sir,” she replied, “but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact,” she continued, “our records show your account is overdrawn in excess of sh 50000.”
“It can’t be!” I cried. “You have to be kidding!”
“Yes, I am,” she answered with a smile, counting out his cash.
“But you will notice that your hiccups are gone.”
Short Jokes
Posted on 20 July 2010 | 3:46 pm
Little Johnny's new baby brother
Short Jokes
Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, “Where'd we get him?”
His mother replied, “He came from heaven, Johnny.”
Johnny says, “WOW! I can see why they threw him out!”
Posted on 17 July 2010 | 4:44 am
Mealtime during a flight
Jokes Every Man Should Know
Mealtime during a flight
It was mealtime during a flight.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Joe, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" Joe asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
Posted on 15 July 2010 | 3:44 am
Optimism vs Pessimism
An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.
For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”
“I sure did,” responded the pessimist. “Your dog can’t swim!”
Posted on 2 July 2010 | 6:40 am
One evening I was driving my eight-year-old daughter...
Short Jokes
One evening I was driving my eight-year-old daughter to her grandparents home for an overnight stay. It was late, there was very little traffic, and we were enjoying a peaceful ride. It was a far cry from the usual chaos surrounding us when I drive her to various activities during rush hour.
My daughter seemed deep in thought when she said, "I have a question."
"What do you want to know?" I responded.
"Mom, when you're driving," she asked, "are YOU ever the idiot?"
Posted on 30 June 2010 | 2:21 pm
Warden Offers The Prisoner A Job
Short Jokes
Model Prisoner
In prison, Jake got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. So, the warden made arrangements for the inmate to learn a trade while doing his time.
Some three years later, Jake was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often, he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the community. And, he always reported back to prison by early Sunday evening.
One day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen, though he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top. So, he asked Jake to do the job for him.
To the warden's surprise, Jake said no.
"But, you're an expert, Jake. I really need your help," said the warden.
"Gosh, warden, I'd really like to help you, but counter fittingis what got me into prison in the first place!"
Posted on 29 June 2010 | 7:16 am
Will It Be Long?
Funny Jokes
Ian arrived at a very popular restaurant and he was dismayed to find it very crowded. Approaching the hostess Ian said, "Will it be long?"
The hostess, seemingly ignoring Ian continued writing in her reservations book.
Thinking she had possibly not heard him the first time, Ian decided to ask again. "How much time is the wait for a table?"
Looking up from her book, the hostess smiled and said, "Oh, only about ten minutes. We will inform you when your table is ready."
A short time later, Ian heard an announcement over the intercom system, "Willette B. Long......... Willette B. Long, your table is ready."
Posted on 27 June 2010 | 2:42 am
Joke: Four Stages Of Life
Short Jokes
Four Stages Of Life
Stage One: You believe in Santa Claus.
Stage Two: You don't believe in Santa Claus.
Stage Three: You become Santa Claus.
Stage Four: You look like Santa Claus.
Posted on 26 June 2010 | 2:06 pm
High School Test - One Liners
One Liner
Actual Answers From High School Science Tests:
"The earth makes a resolution every 24 hours."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
Posted on 29 May 2010 | 11:03 pm
Jokes and Their Relation to the Unconscious
One day an "at home" wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy saying, "Hi, is Jake home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a bit of silence the friend says, "You know Lisa, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks just to see one."
Lisa thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and the guy then says, "That was so amazing! I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."
Lisa amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not?
So she opens her robe and gives the dude a nice long viewing.
A while later Jake arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
Short Jokes
Posted on 26 May 2010 | 5:58 pm
Joke Relating To Symbols
Pranky Jokes
Symbols
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.
Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order of appearance: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David.
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old. The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting, after months of conferences, to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President of the society pointed at the first drawing and said: “This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem.
"You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
"The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn’t grow, they would take to the sea for food.
"The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.”
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
But, a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, “Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says: Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman!
Hilarious Jokes
Posted on 23 May 2010 | 1:54 pm
Have a seat
A guy finally got tickets to the Super Bowl, but his seats were in the nosebleed section -- but he didn't care, he had always dreamed of going to the Super Bowl. So he wants to find a seat closer to where he can see better. He finds this seat toward the front and he asks the guy next to it whether anyone is sitting there.
The guy replies, "No, because my wife just died."
"Well," says the first man, "why didn't you just bring a friend or relative?"
The guy replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."
Short Jokes
Posted on 21 May 2010 | 10:52 pm
Essential Desert Objects
Short Jokes
Essential Desert Objects
A judge was punishing three men because they had committed a crime. Their sentence was a few years in the desert. He said that they could each take one thing with them.
The first guy decides to take an umbrella, so that he can have shade whenever he wants.
The second guy decides to take a water bottle so that he won't get thirsty.
Finally, the third guy decides to take a car door.
The judge asked, "Why in the world would you want to take a car door?" The man replies, "Just in case it gets hot, I can roll down the window."
Posted on 18 May 2010 | 12:51 pm
Blonde Joke: Blonde's Alligator Shoes
Blonde Jokes: 500 Blonde Jokes to Make Your Toes Curl!
Blonde's Alligator Shoes
A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices.
After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price."
Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."
Short Jokes
Posted on 16 May 2010 | 10:49 am
Mental Joke
A Joke a Day Keeps the Doctor Away
Mental Institution Pop Quiz
Jon and Dan are in a mental institution which has an annual contest that picks two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they answer correctly, they are released.
Jon is called into the doctor's office first. The doctor says, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"
Jon says, "I'd be half blind."
"That's correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?"
"I'd be completely blind." The doctor tells him that he is free to go. On Jon's way out he tells Dan the questions and answers.
The doctor asks Dan, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"
Dan says, "I'd be half blind."
The doctor, slightly puzzled, continues, "What would happen if I cut off both your ears?"
"I'd be completely blind."
"Dan, how can you explain that you'd be blind?" asks the doctor.
"Well," replies Dan, "my hat would fall over my eyes."
Doctor Joke
Posted on 15 May 2010 | 10:22 am
Football Joke
Jokes Every Man Should Know
Question: What do you call a bunch of millionaires sitting around watching the Super Bowl?
Answer: The Atlanta Falcons
Posted on 13 May 2010 | 10:13 pm
Need a push?
Need a push?
A man is in bed asleep with his wife when there is a rat- a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember
that night we broke down on the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.
"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help, the right thing to do would be to help him."
So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."
Short Jokes
Posted on 11 May 2010 | 10:16 am
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